contend for me, my god and LORD

the only relief i find in this world, when facing all the uncertainty and conflicts and ways that things can go so absolutely wrong, is that god is also fighting with me. not only is he fighting side-by-side with me and for me at times when i cannot fight, but he is also healing the wounds i inflict on myself because of my own sin, and the wounds inflicted on me by others because of their sin.
there is a high price for existing in this world. every which way there is a chance for us to be hurt, physically, spiritually, emotionally, in any way really. it is by the grace of god that any of us are alive for as long as we are, and that we are not maimed or emotionally unfit because of the trials of this world. i really believe this.
there was one night in the past year that i vividly remember. as i was lying in bed, trying to sleep, i had this overwhelming fear, or thought (i don't really know what to call it) that i wasn't going to wake up in the morning. maybe it was a sharp realization that there was no guarantee that i was going to wake up in the morning. maybe it was a little dramatic. in any case, it certainly got me thinking, and continues to make me reflect.
i remember feeling hopeless, like even if i could call my mom and she would answer at 2am, what would i say to her? there was literally nothing more i could do with my life at that point.

i just had to surrender to god. 

i don't think i've ever completely surrendered to god in the way i did that night, and i have yet to find that same surrender again. but i think it's the only way to live this life. to be completely surrendered. to let god fight for me. to admit that i'm too weak to fight for myself. to let god heal the wounds i inflict on myself and others. our life is literally in god's hands, no matter how much we think we are in control. it's his to do what he thinks best.

contend for me, my god and LORD, as i surrender to you.