today is my 7th spiritual birthday.
seven. years. how did that happen? how did that happen?
i got to thinking, like i usually do...
how did i get here? i feel like the circumstances i find myself in, especially of late, have not been by my choice, but by things that are out of my control that have happened to me. but this is so contradictory to what i've been taught. all my life, i've heard that you are where you are because of the choices that you've made.
what choices did i make to get here? am i just reacting to the things that come up in my life, passively finding ways to make myself as comfortable as possible within the realm of events that happen from moment to moment? or are these events occurring because of decisions i've made and who i am?
my grandmother once told me: "you are where you are because of who you are"
but i don't feel like where i am is reflective of who i am at the moment. (and this is about to get real deep).
who the hell am i?
after seven years of being a christian, i don't feel any wiser, any more distinguished, any more mature or sure-footed. in fact, i feel less sure-footed. i feel like i have more scars that need to be healed, more hopes that i'm waiting to see come to fruition, more questions about who god is, and who i am in god, and more unanswered prayers that remain giant question marks in my mind as i wonder how god is going to fulfill his promise in that request. i am less surrendered to his will, more aware of my own weaknesses and deficiencies, more discouraged, less optimistic and idealistic; i have more burdens and baggage than ever. and i have to ask: why?
my theme scripture for this quarter has been from psalm 30:11-12. it reads:
you turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD, my god, i will praise you forever.
is this it? the more self-aware i become, the more i mess up, the more i realize how messed up i am, the more reason i have to dance and sing and be joyful to god? that no matter how or where my wailing comes from, whether by my own doing or things done to me, god can turn it into dancing and joy?
and in doing so i find a second chance. a new hope. rebirth.
that must be it.
